Lloyd Woods' Newsletter

Our Claim to Fame is Our Name's the Same!

Issue No. 15, September 1997

Help!

My youngest can best be described as a 242-pound, six-foot-four-inch turbo-dynamic eating machine. I'm thinking of applying for food stamps or foreign aid or something to help maintain the larder. It's gotten so bad that when we bring the week's groceries in we take a magic marker to the bananas and other items and mark them "M", "D", or "J", staking our claim on them. This has now extended to the orange juice and other individual items. If you know of a good appetite suppressant, let me know!

More Continental Crap

Ever since Thomas Jefferson went to Paris and dallied with that servant girl of his we've seen a steady pressure to adopt the metric system.

It's a great system for those that have to count on their fingers and have trouble manipulating big or small numbers but that's where it ends as far as being a useful system for normal people. The old English system deals in measurements one can relate to with reasonable approximation ("a pint's a pound the world aro- und" and "an inch is as big as your thumb is thick.") Got a good feel for how much a kilogram or a meter or a liter is? You've got to be a scientific nerd to cope with that one. Yet our friends in Congress and the bureaucracy are hell-bent to have us shift over to this continental system used by all the big wars' losers.

The Navy is decreeing that ships will henceforth be built to metric standards (it was bad enough when they rammed the computer operating system Windows down everyone's throat.) As usual, these idiots are mesmerized by the stuff on the right side of the decimal point and change. Give me the more accurate old English system any day and send the Frenchmen packing. Off with their heads!

Book Review

Last summer's reading included "Fall From Glory, The Men Who Sank the U.S. Navy" by Gregory L. Vistica. It's about the John Lehman era and his efforts to shake out the old line admirals.

Quite interesting, especially to one who labored in the trenches during that era. Admittedly they did spend a lot of money that is much of the cause of our deficit woes these days. Much of it may have been an over-zealous reaction to the Russian threat.

Nevertheless, Reagan did accomplish what he set out to do - defang the Soviet bear. Time will tell if it was our undoing too. Those Tailhook boys could use a few sessions with grandma though. It takes more than an act of Congress to make gentlemen out of some officers!

Sage's Advice

For young bucks and old geezers:
When in the presence of women or girls keep your eyes open, your mouth shut, and you hands in your pockets. That ought to keep you out of trouble most of the time.

-- Lloyd William Wood

Head to Tail

Went to a restaurant with friends and the waitress cited the chefs special as a "head to tail coho salmon stuffed with crab meat" that friend's wife and I each ordered. We were in a rather dark corner and when served it looked as though there was a clam or oyster appetizer on the end of the fish.

So I opened it and proceeded to fork out what I thought was the appetizer. Tasted rather disgusting and friend's wife finally said "What on earth are you eating that fish head for?"

Yuck! Nothing like fish brains to ruin a meal. The salmon was pretty bony too or maybe it was crab shell. I must admit to my stupidity. And you thought I was such a wise man!

You Saw It Here First

Back in March 1995 I recommended using the growth in wages as the measure that Social Security should be increased by rather than the Consumer Price Index. A year later a high priced columnist in the Washington Post finally came out with the same recommendation. We're always way ahead of our time.

The Pope

The Pope died. As the Pope approached the gates of heaven, it was Saint Peter who greeted him in a firm embrace.

Is there anything which your holiness desires?" "Well, yes, " the Pope replied. "I have often pondered some of the mysteries which have puzzled and confused theologians through the ages. Are there perhaps any transcripts which recorded the actual conversations between God and the prophets of Old?"

Saint Peter immediately ushered the Pope to the heavenly library and explained how to retrieve the various documents. The Pope was thrilled and settled down to review the history of man's relationship with God.

Two years later a scream of anguish pierced the stacks of the library. Immediately several of the Saints and Angels came running. There they found the Pope pointing to a single word on a parchment, repeating over and over, "There's an 'R', there's an 'R' - it's celebrate, not celibate!"

Running out of gas

Afraid I'm going to have to throw in the towel with the next issue. Lack of communication from all except our relatives in England and Canada makes for quite a dearth of material to print that's of general interest. Even I have a limit as to dumb and stupid things I do that are fit for publication and that's gotten to be like talking to yourself.

It's been fun but unless a miracle happens and youse guys wake up I'm going to call it a day. If anyone else would like to continue the effort, I'll be glad to pass on my mailing list and left-over material.

Squirrel Fame

I managed to get a Letter to the Editor printed in the Washington Post back in June.

Another writer had suggested cayenne pepper to discourage the squirrels from hogging the bird feeders. My use of said pepper increased my four-legged diners to seven plus one rabbit. The only birds that liked the stuff were three huge ravens. I went on to give my solution to the problem which was a floppy inverted bowl halfway up the feeder's post.

This worked for over a week but they finally managed to get around that and even the cow bell didn't scare them off. So I tried Vaseline on the pole and that was a lot of fun to watch but they even circumvented that so now I just turn the hose on them. Gives the small birds about three minutes to hit the feeder before the squirrels are back.

(The Post never prints my scholarly suggestions on how to tax everybody fairly. Simple solutions never fly in Washington.)

You've just been mooned!

(_!_)
This, with variations, is the latest depravity to hit the Internet.

It's a Columbarium

Remember my fussing about not having the mausoleum ready for me? Went out for a drive the other day and lo and behold, my final resting place was ready! Is that an omen or is that an omen! I'm not ready to go yet. Did they pass that "Duty to die" ordnance that Ross Perot's competition was advocating? Maybe if I'm quiet they won't notice me. One thing puzzles me though - no door!
A newsletter to all Lloyd Woods, by Lloyd William Wood, or LWW.
HTML web version and additional comments by Lloyd Wood (L.Wood@surrey.ac.uk), or LW.