Lloyd Woods' Newsletter

Our Claim to Fame is Our Name's the Same!

Issue No. 13, March 1997


About 25 years ago I got roped into being Assistant Scoutmaster for the troop my two older sons were in. It was January and some nut decided we should have an overnight trip to the mountains west of Modesto. The boys had paper routes, so had a convenient excuse to avoid this event. But not the old man. During the day we had a twenty mile hike leaving me with a few painful blisters. That night I damn near froze. All the while my virile sons were home in their nice warm beds! So that summer we moved across country again so I could get out of that job.

Son's Chagrin

Henry Alexander, our Canadian cousin, sent in several tales related by his sons Leslie and Arnold. Seems Leslie was making a couple of pieces of toast one morning at his high rise apartment (he was on the main floor). Went to the washroom and, on returning, found the place filled with smoke. "He pulled out the toaster plug and popped out the burnt toast which has somehow jammed in the toaster. Then he opened the doors to let out the smoke. In so doing the fire alarm went off.

In about two minutes the firemen were at the apartment with their hoses, ladders and axes. They immediately went to his apartment where the smoke was coming from. When they found out what the trouble was he was given quite a lecture. They told him not to leave any electrical appliances on while not being attended. He felt very embarrassed. He said they had to evacuate eleven apartments on the bottom floor. He so- metimes meets these people in the hallway and he gets a lot of s(n)ide looks." (Could have been worse, they could have evacuated all the floors like they did where I used to work - that would really have upset people!)

Then his other son was waiting in line on a hot day to get in to a restaurant. An elderly lady comes along, ties her dog up outside, and goes in and asks the waitress for a cup of water. Arnold says to the lady "The dog must be thirsty". She turns around and says "Watch your tongue you dirty old man" and continues running him down as she leaves the place. Everyone was silent in the place but I guess the old lady was a regular attendee.

Taught Arnold not to be so forward with strange women anyway, much to his wife's amusement. And it's nice to read someone else' stories for a change.

Has He Suffered Enuf?

Our cousin from the UK (Nomiddlename) says he has suffered enough to merit being famous. Long hours at night cramming for exams and finishing theses, despicable quarters and lousy food are his reasons. I sympathize with him on the food - have you ever had an English hamburger? They're indescribably awful.

Yup. The ones from Burger King aren't quite as bad as the ones from MacDonalds, though. - LW

I recall the late hours from my college days so feel for him. On the other hand he has not endured failure,

Sez who? - LW

monotonous and mind numbing jobs,

How do you think I finance being a student? - LW

nor the tribulations of marriage or the exasperations of parenting.

Chance would be a fine thing. - LW

Give it a few more decades, UK, then we'll take the matter under advisement again. (Maybe if he had referred to us as "colonists" instead of "clones" it would have helped his cause.) Hang in there, UK!

Hot to Trot

My cousin's husband is a minister and in the insurance business. (Now there's a combination that'll send you scurrying out the back door if you see him heading up the walk.!)

He loves spicy food and so took us to a Vietnamese restaurant while here on a visit. Told the waiter he liked it really hot. The chef obliged. After a few bites, the persperation gushed. Our hero bolted for the door, dashed across a busy six lane boulevard, and charged into an ice cream parlor. Took him about forty five minutes to put out the gastro-esophigal inferno!

The Hereafter

It used to be as we were told that the Hereafter was an eternal affair. Once you got to Heaven you had it made for here on out. Same thing was true for Hell - it was for keeps. There was some incentive to behave ourselves.

Now we see more talk of recycling us - "reincarnation" is the polite term. Even Homer in the comics is advancing the idea. Maybe somebody is telling us we should slow down on overpopulating this fragile earth. Heaven is full too.

So now we have to look forward to paying taxes all over again! No wonder man has become a "live for today" and a "I got mine" creature.

Damn Continentals

As further evidence that I am a complete nut I'll advance the theory that the woes in our country are due to a 200 year influx of what I call "Continentals" (i.e. everybody who does not have English ancestors).

I disagree. The laughable American education system is to blame. - LW

This should stand up there with politics and religion as another subject not to be discussed in mixed company. However, I do feel that our English Wood forefathers possessed admirable traits of honesty, self-reliance, integrity and a proper sense of man's need to think for himself and be responsible for his actions.

Let's see some proof. - LW

He also was willing to stick his neck out and take risks to better his lot. I believe these traits are often lacking in socialistic-minded, warm-climate-bred, non-Protestant sloths who want the government or some religious order to take charge of their lives and their thinking.

Well, that explains California - LW

Now that bit of inflamation should set some of you off and brand me as a heretic but I submit that we have deviated far from the Constitutional freedom and Protestant work ethic of our forefathers because of these totalitarian cultures. On the other hand, the Continentals do make fine women, wine and music! And the Germans do make exceptionally good cars and wives. But be proud of your WASP heritage. Comments and crossfire are invited.

Wive's Comments

Last December I gave you "How could you?" Here's some more.

"And it's all your fault."
"Why would your want to do that?"
"You never should have married me."
"Is that all you ever think about?"
"Who did you have lunch with today?"
"What's mine is mine and what's yours is ours."
"No I don't want another animal in this house."
"Must you always make an ass out of yourself?"
"I've never been so humiliated in all my life."
"I think it would look better over there."
Later: "No, put it back where you had it."
"I've been ruined." (From a Steve Martin movie.)
"I'm not going to the beach if you're going to parade around with your undershirt off."
"I'll just be a minute."
"You can't wear those. The colors clash."
"Men!" (Dripping with disgust. Ugh)

Send in your favorites.

Old age ain't for sissies

My wife's late Aunt Daphne

To produce an income tax return that has any depth to it, any feeling, one must have lived -- and suffered.

Frank Sullivan, American humorist, journalist

A newsletter to all Lloyd Woods, by Lloyd William Wood, or LWW.
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